An exclusive Q and A session with the leading Republican Contenders (and Jeb Bush)
WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON ABORTION?
Donald Trump: Build a wall around the womb. Nothing gets in, nothing gets out until we find out what the hell is going on.
Ben Carson: I have come to the conclusion that a woman’s womb was originally created to store grain.
Chris Christie: Shutup. All of you. ISIS are threatening to take over America and all you want to talk about is women’s rights?
Ted Cruz: The Republican establishment of which I am definitely not part and the liberal elite want you to believe that babies are evil. Rubio talks like a little boy. Probably still plays with Tonka trucks. Did his voice break yet?
Marco Rubio: Where do babies come from? Yeah, but how do they get there?
Jeb Bush: I wish mom had aborted that jackass brother of mine.
CLIMATE CHANGE – FACT OR FICTION?
Trump: Don’t let any Muslims into the US until we find out what the hell they’re doing to the climate. Because my hair.
Carson: Dealing with Climate Change is much like performing brain surgery on a child that doesn’t exist.
Christie: Shutup. All of you. ISIS are threatening to take over America and all you want to talk about is an existential threat to our planet?
Cruz: The liberal media want you to believe that Climate Change is real. If you refuse to believe it then you’re labelled a trouble-maker or a rabble-rouser. You know who else was labelled those things? Jesus. I’m not saying I’m Jesus. I’m saying I’m not not Jesus.
Rubio: I believe in small government. The government shouldn’t be allowed to control the weather.
Bush: Errm…I kinda think it’s real. I’m still polling better than Mr. “Deep South Heritage” Bobby Jindal though right?
WHAT’S YOUR STANCE ON IMMIGRATION?
Trump: Build a wall spanning the length of the US. Round up all the gardeners, plumbers and housemaids and send them back over the border to Mexico. Here’s the clever part – do it BEFORE we build the wall. I am a genius. Men want to sleep with me and women want to be me.
Carson: Building a wall to stop all immigration is much like performing brain surgery…haters gonna hate.
Christie: Block all the bridges that lead from Mexico into the US. I know people that can get it done. Shut up all of you.
Cruz: No way Jose. Or you Pedro. No path to citizenship. And definitely no Obamacare. Rubio likes immigrants. Probably wants to marry one.
Rubio: Cruz, stop throwing around wild accusations. I don’t like immigrants. You are an immigrant you stupid Cannuck. Are you even allowed to run for office?
Bush: I married an immigrant. Can she stay?
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT ISIS?
Trump: Kill their loved ones. We start by taking out Aladdin’s thieving monkey. And then we torture Princess Jasmine until she’s got blood coming out of her eyes and blood coming out of wherever. Actually, I think I’d like to date her.
Carson: Dealing with ISIS is much like performing brain surgery on a child. It’s a complex task. Carefully make an incision in the child’s brain. And then bomb it.
Christie: Shutup. All of you. ISIS are threatening to take over America and all you want to talk about is ISIS?
Cruz: The liberal media want you to believe that ISIS are great guys. I say we carpet bomb them until they’ve got not flying carpets left and the sand glows like Trump’s face. Rubio, are minors allowed to run for office?
Rubio: ISIS are bad guys. And we’re like the Power Rangers. We should build a coalition of the willing with other good guys to bash them up. Like the Avengers. Except Hawkeye. I don’t trust Hawkeye. He’s got no superpowers. I think he might be Iranian.